Bikram Challenge - Can a fat girl do it? #1

Lisa Porter lives in Austin, Texas with her husband Larry, and two of their six children. For the past 20 years she has earned a living traveling as a sales executive in the luxury jewelry industry. Lisa travels extensively - leaving her family Monday morning - eating, stressing, running and negotiating her way through the week while stuffing herself with fast meals and late night client dinners. By Thursday she returns home in time to juggle a husband, children's activities, friends and 8 pets. Monday morning travel starts all over again - eating, stressing, etc.... This is her blog for 2011 as she attempts to change her life by improving her relationships and her health. Is it possible to change your body dramatically in just 60 days?

I'm Lisa and I'm FAT. I work 60 hours a week and spend the rest of my time asleep or dragging my children to activities that I find it impossible to be excited about. Finances have been challenging as the economy has rendered sales related bonus' almost criminal to expect.

What to do What to do????

In order to truly celebrate the New Year - the year of the Rabbit - my year - I came up with a brilliant idea. BRILLIANT! I quit my six figure executive level job. Just quit. No plan, no thought no thought at ALL - JUST QUIT.

Genius.

I phoned my husband to fill him in on my brilliant epiphany and how I immediatly acted upon it.

He gasps "Are you insane????" .

Ding Ding Ding - we have a winner!!!!!!!

"You are correct Mr. Porter the Mrs. has LOST IT."

I answer the phone - it's my tall skinny blonde bombshell non working friend Donna. She suggests I go to a Bikram Yoga class with her. She explains that it is 90 minutes of 26 postures done in 105 degree heat. You cannot leave the room - but no problem - If you're about to pass out just sit down......

Oh golly gee that should solve aaaaaaaalllllllll of my problems - thanks Donna - you're a peach. I am sure that by joining the carnival freak show of the yoga world my life will instantly change the fact that I'm fat, broke and miserable. Great suggestion Donna..... Geez......

I go.

Class # 1 Bikram Yoga

I'm wearing a jelly donut stained velore sweat suit over baggy running shorts and a cotton t-shirt with my hair - well my hair is all over the place. I trudge in lugging 2 water bottles, a big thick grey yoga mat, two huge towels, shoes, wallet, phone, and a pocket full of legos. I look like a complete dork. I strip off the velore, dump my stuff and enter the hot room.

It is HOT. REALLY HOT.

The Yoga room is filled with beautiful women wearing, well, not much. I am in the Playboy Mansion in Hell. Hugh hasnt arrived yet. I search for the furthest corner of the room to stake my claim and set up my camp. Yes, the back left hand corner - ah... Siberia. I choke a little during the extreme physical exertion of rolling out my mat and placing my towel on it. WOW -that was tough but I'm ready.

The nice young man instructing the class has us breathe in and out....... Not so bad. Then we bend left and right. I can do this. We bend back - hmm I might be able to do this...bend over - no big deal..............

Then it happens. Stand tall on your left foot. Interlace your fingers and hold your right foot in the air then extend your right leg in front of you WHILE you balance on your left foot....!

WHAT???? - WWWWWHHAAATTTTTT????

It doesnt end there - there is more of this balancing gig and then more and them more. I can't do it. I try over and over again. I look like a dork and now I'm about to be a falling unbalanced dork. How did I get here?

The nice young, I'm fit with not a care in the world, yoga instructor throws a softball metaphor at me to explain how to place my hands.. Clearly the sad state of my arms indicates to him that I was once a beefy High School Softball player.I hate softball. If he follows up with a field hockey story I will cry.

What has happened to me????

I am grunting. panting, choking. My eyelashes are sweating. Dear God who ever thought that I would turn out to be such a LOSER. I think I'll feel better if I run Donna over with my car. Yeah I think I will. The thought gets me through class.

By the time the class is over I am soaking wet and in pain. I struggle to make my way up but can't get out of Satan's living room fast enough. I sprint for the door. Everything is in slow motion - the door opens - OMG I can breathe. Why are people still laying doen in the Hell Room? Are they dead? I am SO out of here.

That afternoon the Porter Family eats a nice healthy meal. Im feeling pretty good - a couple of aches, a little dizzy and a slight migrane but at least my small intestines are not trying to fly out of my mouth. Suddenly my stomach is ravaged with a cruel sharp pain. Not sure I need to elaborate on what happens next but it is gross.

I hate Donna. I hate everyone named Donna.

She will pay. That night I phone her adorable but over-sexed spouse. I casually mention that his wife can wrap her leg around her kneck while balancing on one foot. HA HA!!!!! Take that Donna - you will never sleep AGAIN!!!

She asks me to go with her to the 9:30 am class tomorrow....What is she high???

I go.